Monday, 23 May 2016

Fuck you depression!

That is how I feel today. I woke up this morning and for the first time in weeks I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes in the grip of a depressive episode  is seems as if there is no light, so I’m not even aware that I’m in this supposed tunnel, so I see no light, feel no purpose or have any direction.

Not today! today I feel lighter, not in weight but in my head, those usual feelings of hollowness, dread and desperation that usually consume me are not there!!  Today I feel really good.  Today I feel great!

In my head it feels as if the light in the supposed tunnel has come on and I’m running towards that motherfucker. I saw a chance to choose how I was going to live today and I choose me!!

I feel like a warrior on the inside I feel like I can make it through today
Im ready for this war!
Fuck you depression I want my life back!
Fuck you depression I am stronger than you today!
Fuck you depression I feel alive !
Fuck you depression and take your sodding darkness back!

Fuck you depression! I’m fighting for ME!

Friday, 20 May 2016

How I'm feeling right now - Is it ok to let you know that I’m NOT ok right now?

Is it ok to let you know that I’m NOT ok right now?
That I feel so overwhelmed I can feel myself breaking.
That I died on the inside a long time ago.
That I can barely think straight, my head feels like it is going to explode.
That I feel like a failure as a woman and a mother.
That I’ve lost my confidence.
That I don’t know what the purpose is of ME anymore.
That I can’t see a way out of this tormenting dark space.
That I can barely face the outside world.
That lately, I feel a bit of me die on the inside everyday.
That I feel exhausted.
That I know that I won’t feel like this forever but right now I feel totally fucked up.
That I can’t just shake this shit off.

Is it ok to let you know?

Mental health

How I'm feeling right now - its slowly destroying me

Monday, 9 May 2016

A good day to die

I feel so hollow on the inside, like someone has removed all hope from within me and left me with despair and bitter loneliness. The burden of weight seems so unbearable to carry, my joints are actually aching, I feel as though I am unable to put it down and relieve myself of it. I so wish that I could shake these feelings off and go about my day but there is no more fight in me. I feel tired, not the good type of tired, the tiredness you get after a hard days work or the tiredness you feel when you have earned the right to be tired. I just feel shattered, exhausted!

Today feels like a good day to die! I don’t feel suicidal, it just feels like the perfect time not to be here anymore, a time not be right here, right now and barely existing in this bitter pitiful consuming torment that is life.

Saturday, 19 March 2016

Beautiful words for women

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This is one of my favorite things written for and about women. it's a great reminder of how amazing all of us women truly are. The author of this seems to be unknown

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

They fight for what they believe in.They stand up to injustice.
They love unconditionally.They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

Friday, 11 March 2016

Reality Check

Its been a couple of months since I started this blog. It was supposed to be a record of my weight loss from fatness to fitness.  The truth is I have gained weight, I now weigh just over 17 stone!!
Yes, 17 stone!!
That’s 107.955 kilograms
That’s 238 pounds
In my head Im thinking how the hell did i manage to get to get so big?
17 freaking stone, Wow!

This is D-day for me!
last chance saloon

I seriously have to do something about my weight and actually stick to it (this time)!!!

Saturday, 30 January 2016

Decisions, Decisions!

I remember hearing the saying that losing weight should not be the only goal, when trying to “lose weight”. 

There are so many thoughts going on in my head right now, I’m not thinking straight.

What type of diet to follow?

Should I do Weight Watchers?

Should it be Atkins, calorie counting or slimfast?

What kind of foods will I have to give up?

Can I do without sweet things? (omg!! Cake….im a sucker for angel cake)

Can I do without fruit? (yes I do eat it)

Calorie counting is boring!

Can I afford the type of diet I’m going to follow?

Can I be arsed to go to the gym?

Do I want to live out my life as a fatty?

I like to see my own toes again!

I’d like my breasts and belly to be separate! 

I always give myself extra bonus points on weight watchers!

I’d like to walk up the stairs without feeling the need to call a dam ambulance!!

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Another Day

This is supposed to be my week of change and yet again I’ve changed absolutely nothing. This was again, another day of undisciplined eating (which all tasted good btw) regret and disappointment in myself. Croissants, Pot noodles, biscuits are just some of the treats that I managed to cram into my mouth today, then I had the nerve to order in Chinese food for dinner!!

I did briefly think about the gym membership that I am paying for but not using…………………

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Good Intentions

I woke up with good intentions this morning, I was all set to start taking control (yet again) but that all soon went out the window as soon as I went into the kitchen and saw all the goodies leftover from yesterday……damn they looked so good!!! That’s right looked!!  So to cut a long story short my breakfast has consisted of: 1 small cake, 1 mini brioche 1 flapjack!!! And the rest of the day food wise went just as badly. It felt so good at the time of stuffing my face but now ……….

DAMM IT!!  I really need to get a grip of this but its too late on the day now, so you know what, ill get fit tomorrow!!

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Mad Fat Cat Woman!!

I’m going to be 41 in a few days time and with New Years just over a week ago, I took a small stock of my life and arrived at the conclusion that although I am not sure of many things. I am certain that I have become a Mad Fat Cat woman!!